Dating a guy 9 years younger than me
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Dear Mrs Salisbury: Should I date a guy 10 years younger than me?
I grew up with a homo mother. But the relationships in which I've personally seen it work usually involve adding about fifteen years to both of your ages.
Some people struggle with the idea that many women have begun dating younger men. But more people struggle with the opposite notion: Mme my dad is from a yers when that was rarely heard of. This is the stuff that makes the news. Nobody talks about younger man-older woman relationships. Men want to date older women because they are, on average, more independent, more confident, more successful, and more into sex. Men like all that. No heart, no successful relationship. They ranged from years younger than me. They found me attractive and they liked me. Back to the original question. Should you date a younger man? Ideally, aim for youngerr man no more than 10 years younger.
We met when he was 23 and I was 34, married three years later after spending our first year apart while he was deployed. I can tell you that age has nothing well, very ysars to do with it. It is all about maturity giy communication skills. My husband is mature yiunger his age and the first year thaj our relationship was spent solely on the phone. We Dating a guy 9 years younger than me nothing but verbally communicate and it was a great way to get to know each other really well. He was not a typical 23 year old much like yourself and was ready to settle down.
I think the key here is for both of you to understand that your moving to Beijing is just another step in your relationship. You say that you'll compromise by settling down earlier than you had planned. I don't think that's a good way to look at it. You will want to settle down when you meet the right woman, regardless of how old you are. Long distance relationships are extremely difficult and it's hard to know the day to day person until you live in the same city. My husband returned from his deployment and despite being on the phone constantly while he was away, we were together for six months before getting engaged, and then another six months before getting married.
Ask her to please just let you take this leap of faith for the two of you and don't make any future plans beyond that. Not saying to plan on it failing, but take it one step at a time. At the time we age-peers raised eyebrows at the match because 30 seemed "old" oh, how dumb we werebut they have been married for about a decade now, and she gave birth to their second child 6 months ago. Their first daughter is about 8 years old. They seem very happy. I'd wait for marriage until you're 25, though. I wouldn't date anyone younger than 25 because, though adult, they haven't truly grown into themselves yet.
It will make you a better partner. The people I know who jump from living-with-parents to living-with-SO no solo experience with responsibility have the worst time. The older partner with more adult life experience may become frustrated with the younger, who has not had the opportunity to learn those lessons. I am 8 years younger than my girlfriend I am also a womanand it has never caused even a slight problem. We tease each other about it occasionally - but it's really a total non-issue. I know I wasn't ready to make a life-long commitment at 23, and the vast majority of people are also not ready at that age.
You may be different, but that would make you an outlier. That can be a pretty hard fear to work through. My younger current partner made a huge compromise in order to be with me, and while we are very happy now, there was a really tense period of insecurity when I was afraid that any piece of misfortune or a particularly bad argument would confirm for him that he made the wrong choice. This is probably what she's worried about.
And as the product of an unstable childhood myself, I can tell you that the fear of disapproval and then abandonment by the people you love is real and runs deep no matter how together you may look or feel. You sound extremely mature and adaptable for your age, but you're right that this is a big move for a relationship. This could be great, but before you think about settling down and having children: Are you okay with that? At 31, she likely has a time frame for when she would like to start a family. Ask her to communicate this with you, and then for the love of everything let her go with plenty of time to move on if you're not Dating a guy 9 years younger than me it.
These are some of the things you two need to work out together before you make this move. Maybe talking through the worst case scenarios will reassure you both that you're willing to take the risks as long as your eyes are open. It sounds like you love her and you want to be with her. If you're in a comfortable enough position to make this move, then I say go for it on a trial basis. Can you do fine professionally in Beijing or if things with her do not go well or leave relatively quickly and take the financial hit and do fine elsewhere? If so, hard to see what's lost in giving it your best shot. Me thinks you'd always regret it if you don't.
You may be great together. You may well be great together again when she works through some of these things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a wonderful time in your life being left as just that A good situation needs not achieve its maximum potential to still be fulfilling and a positive in both of your lives. I would give it some time. You owe it to both of you. And if you end up being together in the end As you know, it's a big fascinating world out there. You will probably encounter lots of great pieces of it. They don't have to be deal breakers, but they do need to be addressed honestly and Dating a guy 9 years younger than me between the two of you.
I think the "when you're older you may change your mind" is something you probably shouldn't dismiss out of hand. You probably should admit it to yourself, at least, that yes, this could be a possibility -- and what if? That goes into the list of "things we need to address honestly and openly". My now-wife of 15 years this past October is a year and a half older than me. Also, keep in mind there's nothing that says you absolutely have to get married next week or next month or next year. Age in relation to childbearing for her may be an issue, but Age can be an issue, but as issues go it's almost certainly not the most important one. From a 31 year-old's perspective, 23 is still an age where you're figuring out who you are.
If you get to 27 and suddenly decide your life's ambition is to be a merchant marine, she doesn't want to left feeling like she invested 4 years for nothing. You may not see yourself that way, but that doesn't prove anything. There's also the issue of relative aging. When you're 35 and she's 43, will you still be attracted to her? Idealism says yes, paranoia says probably not. I tend to think these things can work. I had a 3 year relationship with a woman 14 years older than me. The things that drove us were not age issues and we are still very good friends.
Based on my experience: There's a LOT of growing that happens there. In 7 years, you will be an utterly different person from who you are now. She will likely be a very similar person to who she is now. This might mean that it doesn't work out, or maybe you'll be an even better fit. Either way, no one knows the future: Completely true--if she's the one, do it; at 22 I didn't want to settle down for ten more years, and then I met my older wife and wanted to be married and have babies with her, like, yesterday. One bit of advice: That's taking it to another level that already presumes a serious commitment, makes you have to deal with more issues than you should have to right away before the relationship's cemented and she's somewhat older and likely more set in her ways and flexibility is a key to sharing a home together successfullyand might make breaking it off harder than it needs to be if it's not working out i.
The uniqueness of living in a foreign city ought to keep you pretty well together enough as it is without having to share a house together right away. Happily married 14 years with a nine year old child she had at age The only time it's an issue is when I make a pop culture reference and she doesn't get it. I've long since stopped expecting her to catch my Simpsons quotes and she knows I'm not going to recognize any John Denver lyrics that aren't about sunshine on shoulders. As some others have said, I would be more concerned about the age you're at now. I was 27 when I got married to her.
If you're a mature 23 years old and you're absolutely sure what The Rest Of Your Life means, go for it. What she is saying she feels is the problem. The breakup may take another 6 months or a year to complete, but she started it yesterday. That said, the progression of your relationship 2 weeks to serious dating! Not impossible to maintain fast, but, well, Really Fast. Check out this TED Talk by Scott Stanley called Sliding vs Deciding, and it might give you some perspective on how this relationship has unfolded so far. I'll give you a hint, she is correct that breaking up before the big travel happens is much easier than after, in many ways.
The main issue seems to be that you're compromising everything for this relationship she seems to be compromising nothing at all. If you truly want to make these compromises, great! But if it feels like a compromise, rather than a decision your are making happily, then odds are good that you will eventually come to resent her for "making" you change so much of your life plan. Sure, relationships require a lot of compromise, but they also require approximately equal give and take. It doesn't sound like your relationship is equal in this regard.
Plus, there is the fact that, as bilabial points out, it doesn't particularly sound like she wants to be in this relationship anyway, even if she hasn't explicitly said so. You start by asking about the age-difference, but then describe a whole lot of problems that exist in couples regardless of age. Put the 'age difference' in your back pocket, as a nice clean thing to blame if the relationship fails; if you want to address the real situation at hand, look at the actual issues causing you to both rethink your future plans together. You can get over them, but if you treat it like age is the issue -- something neither of you can control -- you're not going to fix or recognize the true problems.
So the age difference in and of itself isn't necessarily a problem. It seems totally reasonable for her to be acutely aware that women in general have a much shorter window in which men in general find them attractive. Whether she's going to continue to be anxious about it could be an issue, and it would indeed be a good idea to subject yourself to some serious and potentially painful self-examination on this subject, as Frowner suggested. But I'm not sure she's going to be able to get over it either. Or maybe she's afraid she'll never be able to break up with you because you've invested so much. It sounds like you want to do that but make sure you do. And make sure she actually wants you, not just a guy now that she's It's one of those internet observations that goes from being "this is sort of true a lot of the time mostly because of [SOCIAL FACTORS] and there are lots and lots of exceptions" to being "this is an iron-clad rule that derives from our biology and applies to everyone so suck it up ladies".
And the more it gets repeated as if it were an inherent truth, the more "truthful" it becomes - it acquires the force of a truth because everyone decides to believe it. Based on her history and beliefs, she wants an older guy because that means that there's a higher chance that he'll want to settle and is ok with settling which is not always true of course. You can try to convince her otherwise until you're blue in the face, but what she believes is what she believes. I think the question for both of you right now is, are you at a point in your lives, and in your relationship, where you are ready to commit to each other, for life? It sounds like no, based on what you say here: She wants to settle down.
For her, you're not it, and possibly, the relationship is not it. Age might be one of many reasons why she's having doubts, there might be other reasons maybe having to do with you, maybe having to do with her. Put aside the age gap in your conversations and see where you land at the end of those discussions. We originally met when he was 18 years old and he was attending a fan club convention that I was co-hosting. At that time I remember thinking he was nice and seemed very intelligent and more mature than most year-old guys I'd known, but nevertheless I still thought of him as a "kid. Then four years after we'd first met we went together with three other friends on a trip to England for a fan club convention.
During that trip he and I often sat and talked late into the night over coffee or a few beers about stuff other than the band we both liked and it turned out that we had a lot in common. He was a pop culture junkie, like me, and remembered many of the toys and such of my youth because his older brother had them. We started dating shortly after that, even though he lived in Cincinnati and I lived in Detroit. After a few months he mentioned he was thinking about moving to Detroit to be closer to me, what did I think? To be honest, I didn't have to think twice - I was all in favor of it.
I had no hesitation, second thoughts, etc, even though Mr. Adams was two years younger than my youngest brother, the age difference no longer concerned me. Oh, and neither one of us wanted to have children, so that's another consideration.
Years than me Dating a guy younger 9
We were married in and are still extremely happy. If she's the least bit hesitant, Datinb don't want to force her hand by moving to Beijing and making her feel obligated to marry you despite her reservations. A cooling-off period might be best right now, giving her uears to think about things and see if she ends up deciding that you ARE "the one" after all, that no one else measures up no matter what their age. Clearly, you're not a young kid with no independence, and no basis for knowing what you like. We're talking about you getting more seriously involved maybe 4 years earlier than you would otherwise do, because you've met someone you're obviously compatible with?
And, despite that fact, you're happy to compromise? Love isn't a sure bet in the future, no matter how you slice it. It's all about today. You have heard nothing here that's a compelling argument that your love is any more or less likely to last than anyone else's Oftentimes, it's for the better.
And that can be the case, even if it fundamentally changes youngerr relationship, or even leads to the two of you deciding not to ugy the rest yrars your lives together, fhan a couple. In my year, I tend to find myself in relationships with yearz women more often than not. I like adventure and new things in my life, and find that my interests Datinf generally more compatible with those youngr are younger than I am anyway. My last relationship had about a ten-year age gap, but what ultimately caused it to fail after seven w was that she wanted to have kids, but didn't really want to take the younnger to advance her career to help support them And so, we broke up.
But the good thing is, she is finally taking steps to advance her career and her ability thwn have a family. I live in the city eyars, and have a more artistic, cultural life, and I'm around more people I relate to. I don't regret having been with her, though. If it hadn't been for my last partner, I wouldn't be where I am right now, and wouldn't be the person that I am, living with my current partner By and large, though, I loved yaers time I had with my last partner, and I would've Datig a poorer person without it. The simple fact is, you two have a finite amount of time on this planet, and can quite possibly make q lot of that time really, really good together So, rather than second-guessing your future and wondering whether youunger odds for the two of you are more or less than anyone else And younber you like who you are DDating where you're going when you're together But I think you also have to try to identify the potential sticking points early and rationally And feeling bad about your relative ages, as if she were taking advantage of you?
That's something you need to convince her is absolutely not the case. And the way you do that is by making it very clear to her that what you two are doing is your informed choice Likewise, you may have some things you would like in life. Obviously, you're willing to move to Beijing. But you need to be sure that your personal goals and needs are being met, and that means working with her to outline, realistically, what you think those goals are. And if that means you have to travel thousands of miles or spend a couple months away from each other at a time, well And if you love each other, I think you'll be strong enough to do that, too. It's especially important in relationships with age differences to understand that both of you need to work your own personal plans in life.
Neither one of you should live in the other's shadow. So make detailed plans This is what I do with my current partner, btw, and it's been a great thing to share. We motivate each other, and both of us are advancing in our personal goals more rapidly than we would likely do apart. So, by all means And if it feels right, stay together. Just be sure to work with her on independent goals, so that neither of you lose yourselves along the way. Her being ready to settle down and you not is more of a factor than her being 31 and you being Because that "settle-down-or-not" would also be a factor if you were both 23, or you were both Some people do indeed get hinky about age differences I was in a brief almost-dating situation with someone where that was our age difference, and ultimately he couldn't shake being creeped out that I was old enough to have been his babysitterbut I think it's more the difference in "life" than it is the difference in "calendar years" in your case.
This is the salient aspect in what you wrote. She is having second thoughts about your arrival, and the reasons she states don't matter much in fact, they may not be the whole truth. This isn't the time to present all the evidence to her as to why age differences don't matter because MeFi says so. If I were you, I'd back off. The difference between your age now 23 and the age when you think you'd like to have a family 27 - 28 is much greater in terms of change and growth than I think 28 - 32 would be. And starting a family as the basis for a relationship again seems like a one-sided thing. So, I think the age difference is not an issue, but the difference in goals and timing for this relationship, were you to each have the thing you expected rather than a compromise, is pretty large.
This is spectacularly bad advice because the woman in question has advised that she doesn't want to live together for a while. She doesn't want you to go to her. She Doesn't trust that you are in this for the long haul. Whatever her reasons for not wanting this and for not trusting this, telling her to ignore those desires and concerns sends the clear and direct message that you don't care what she wants.
The uniqueness of living in a foreign city homo to keep you pretty well together enough as it is without having to share a homo together right away. Obviously, you're willing to move to Beijing.
You'd be saying, "you're the woman for me! I want tnan spend forever with you! And it doesn't bother me in the least that you tuan want to spend the next three months with me let alone forever! So Datinf leave youngr with a question that I was asked as a teenager when I was bereft at the end of a relationship. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? How much DDating would you like him to go? The Datihg is, he's bought his plane tickets. He should go there, meet with her, and the two of them vuy decide for themselves whether what they thaan should be pursued or not, at this moment.
Seems to me that yohnger not saying "no" Pretty understandable ones, frankly. She would thn to settle down soon It's not that likely It doesn't have to be perfect right this second It can be incredibly disruptive. But yeears love to even have a potential to grow and develop, it helps to, say, have the people involved on the same continent together. It's not as though I have never had concerns about age differences in my relationship, which I've voiced Most often, it means that I am second-guessing my own feelings, and that I need reassurance from my partner. I need to see that they're thinking about our relationship, are serious about the commitment and plans involved Basically, I need, in those circumstances, the kind of proof I need to realize that I am just spinning my wheels and overthinking the whole thing.
If you're working your plan together day-by-day, you really don't need to worry too much about the destination, because you're going to get there. But first, they need to decide to get their plan together, and start working it. It says nothing about a woman who has advised that she doesn't want to live together, or doesn't want a relationship. It says everything about a woman who is a good person, but who is scared of relationships -- whether they're healthy or not -- because of her own prior history. She doesn't feel safe about the future. That's kind of hard to hear when you're the other person involved, thousands of miles away from someone you love, after not seeing them for over two months.
But she does have doubts and fears. I think at minimum, he needs closure, if that's what she really wants And that needs to be done face-to-face. But really, I'd hope she'd at least consider going on a few dates first, to see if things between them really were some kind of passing fancy. If I were the woman in question, I'd be much more direct in saying "don't come here" if that was how I was feeling, but maybe she's just nervous and wants him to visit but not expect to settle in for a long time We can't know, and I think he's received a lot of solid advice here.
I'm glad to see that they have talked about the situation, and I hope they both end up with what they need. So, see each other.
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